Consent and relationships education to help you navigate the world with empathy and respect.
Sexy sexism?
Published about 1 year ago • 8 min read
WHY A SPECIFIC TYPE OF SEXISM ATTRACTS WOMEN.
This week's column is guest written by Macken Murphy, a scientist studying human mating.
Ben thinks women are wonderful. He thinks they are, on average, more cultured and ethical than their male counterparts. And he believes the best thing a man can do for himself is find a woman to love and treat her right. Ben never lets his girlfriend touch a door handle, and at the end of dates he almost always pays the bill. Whenever the couple faces a hassle—navigating the airport, sorting out taxes—Ben takes the lead. He adores her, and in a crisis, he’d lay his life on the line to protect her.
Some psychologists would label Ben as sexist. Not in a chastizing, let’s-problematize-everything sort of way, but in a technical sense: Ben is a benevolent sexist, a man who idealizes women, but in a way that positions them as dependent on men. This is the unstated subtext of many chivalrous attitudes. “Women shouldn’t have to pay the bill (because men are better at that sort of thing).” Benevolent sexists like women the way most people like puppies and toddlers—adorable, fragile, not equal.
SEXIST OR NOT, RESEARCH INDICATES WOMEN - ON AVERAGE - FIND MEN LIKE BEN QUITE SEXY.
For instance, a study of 156 young women had them rate the attractiveness of a hypothetical benevolent sexist profile against a non-sexist profile; the benevolent sexist profile was scored 3.9 out of 5, and the non-sexist profile got 2.4 out of 5. Two similar studies of students found the same pattern: women rated benevolent sexist men as more likeable and more sexually attractive than non-sexist men. Sure, his schtick is a bit patronizing, but who doesn’t like free dinner?
Carrot, meet stick: in the real world, benevolent sexists are usually also, often quietly, hostile sexists. Hostile sexism is the blatant variety we’d all recognize—these are the guys who think women are uniquely manipulative, or likely to lead men on for amusement. While associating such beliefs with guys like Ben may seem paradoxical at first—how could loving and hating women come in one package?—research indicates that, for instance, men who believe women should be provided for are also likely to believe that women are too easily offended (see the table below). And perhaps the association between hostile and benevolent sexist beliefs isn't surprising, as it has a shared foundation: that women are lesser than men. And so, when dating as a woman, the man who wants to pay the bill and hold the door is often also the man who will control you.
Many scholars believe that the correlation between BS and HS is part of how misogyny keeps itself upright, and some argue BS may, in fact, be more hazardous. It is benevolent sexism, not hostile sexism, that coaxes a woman into being an accomplice to a man’s control of her life. She lets him pay for most things, sort out the taxes, the bills, and the budgeting, and, now, he’s in charge of their finances. She lets him navigate all the tricky situations they face together until she’s entirely reliant on him for anything challenging. While it’s easy to think of hostile sexism as the “bad sexism” and benevolent sexism as the “good sexism,” benevolent sexism may pose the greater threat to women’s social mobility, as while the former is recognized and rejected, the latter is, typically, attractive and unnoticed. The treat in the mousetrap is what makes it dangerous to mice.
Mouse caught in mousetrap with bait (chocolate). Image taken by RI (2005).
FURTHER, WHILE HOSTILE SEXISM IS FUELED BY A MINORITY OF MEN AND MET BY THE RESISTANCE OF MOST WOMEN, BENEVOLENT SEXISM IS OFTEN ENCOURAGED BY WOMEN AND RESISTED BY MEN.
When I posted a video earlier this year describing benevolent sexism, many men critiqued the beliefs (one called the BS beliefs “simping”) whereas many women defended them. One woman commented, “That’s not benevolent sexism, that’s called being a real man.”
A small, common, real-world example of women endorsing benevolent sexism would be believing men should pay for dates. While we shouldn’t make mountains out of molehills—really, I don’t think this is such a big deal—expecting someone else to pay your way is a small endorsement of one’s own inferiority. An extreme example of this can be seen in viral videos offering tutorials on how to get men to pay for more things, i.e., how to get the “princess treatment.” The irony is that while these women attempt to take advantage of men, they unwittingly support a dynamic that renders themselves liable to be taken advantage of. Many seek the princess treatment, and find themselves Rapunzel.
This isn’t an advice column (keep scrolling for that). Really, I wouldn’t consider writing it as one. How does one ask men not to pay the tab, when trying to go Dutch often means getting passed over? Or tell women to say no to chivalry, even if that’s what they find romantic? At Teach Us Consent, our goal is to arm individuals with information that enhances their agency. In this case, that means helping men be aware of the undermining effects “gentlemanly” behavior could have on women in their lives, and helping women make fully-informed decisions about who they partner up with. Indeed, many women are already aware that benevolent sexism and hostile sexism go together; it’s just that some think the carrot is worth the stick.
UNSOLICITED ADVICE
“
So my male partner uses pornography and I don’t. It gives me a major ick and makes me feel less attracted to and less horny for him which sucks because before I knew this about him, our sex life was mostly exciting, fun and connecting. I think if he only accessed ethically produced and genuinely feminist content, I’d feel a bit more okay with it, but knowing that he sometimes uses gross sites like PornHub makes me feel depressed as from what I’ve looked at (even searching with terms like ‘feminist’ and ‘pleasure’) so much is still about male dominance, male ejaculation, satisfying an icky male hetero gaze, and sometimes grossly violent, like with gestures of strangulation and degrading.
It’s also extra tricky terrain because we have a teenage boy (13) who’s not sexually active yet but no doubt has seen or is using porn already. I want my partner and me to be having open, honest and helpful conversations with him about consent and porn, and the lack of consent shown in porn etc. etc. but am worried that my partner and me not being on the same page will end up with our 13 year old getting confusing messages from us. I don’t want my partner to feel shame for consuming pornography content but I do want him to think about how it affects him, his desires and attitudes towards women. And I want us to support our 13 year old to be porn literate, to have a solid understanding of consent, and to respect women. Any tips for what and how to communicate to my partner about this? And how can we talk with our 13 year old?
- Female, 44.
TESS FULLER ANSWERS
Tess is Brand & Partnerships Manager at Teach Us Consent.
Let me start by validating your experience with the confident assumption that there’s a chorus of “same” ringing out in front of screens across the world.
We’ve heard countless stories from people of all ages struggling to navigate the complexities of pornography use in relationships. Before I dive into how to approach this conversation with your partner, let’s set the scene about the mainstream pornography landscape today.
Conceptually, the practice of observing intimacy is not new or negative. Sexually explicit carvings have been etched in cave walls and on ancient pottery for millennia. But today’s modern additives of the internet, patriarchy, rape culture and surveillance capitalism have created an entirely different beast.
PORN CONSUMERS DIDN'T BUILD THE ADDICTIVE AND OFTEN EXPLOITATIVE $97-BILLION INDUSTRYBUT THEY'RE LEARNING TO NAVIGATE IT.
That porn is mostly free and unprecedentedly ubiquitous (you may have heard of ‘Rule 34’: if it exists, there is porn for it) suggests that consuming it is casual and low stakes. Most people haven’t been afforded education about how sites like PornHub could be affecting their attitudes, desires and relationships. To this end, shame and demonisation of an individual person is unhelpful. Empathy, curiosity and openness is key.
To begin, coming to the table with the latest research can help you to bolster the rationale behind your feelings, and empower your partner to become porn literate himself. Here’s a start on some of the facts. For more depth, allow me to shamelessly plug my boss Chanel Contos' fantastic book Consent Laid Bare.
How porn impacts attitudes to women and sexual violence.
Research shows that as many as 9 in 10 of the most popular porn videos show acts of physical aggression or violence. Unsurprisingly, 97% of the targets of that violence are women, who almost always respond neutrally or with pleasure. Research also shows that separating ‘fantasy’ from ‘reality’ is not as easy as some might think; men who watch pornography are significantly less likely to intervene when witnessing sexual assault, report an increased behavioural intent to rape, and are more likely to believe rape myths.
Assuming you’ve picked a partner who shares similar values to you, I’d hazard that he's opposed to violence against women and not too keen on the idea of subconsciously adopting these attitudes or behaviours. Share this information with him - without being shaming, accusatory, or suggesting that watching porn is a direct path to violence - and allow him space to digest it in his own time. Fight The New Drug has many informative articles to explore.
How porn impacts relationships.
Your experience of feeling disconnected from or less attracted to your partner is entirely valid as a standalone. But in case you’d enjoy the validation of an academic study, this one interviewed hundreds of partners of porn consumers and found they often report lower self-esteem, worse relationship quality, and less sexual satisfaction.
Begin by discussing your feelings with your partner in a non-judgmental and open way. Be specific about your unease and emphasize your want to support your 13 year old in developing a healthy, respectful understanding of sex and relationships. You might say something like, "I’ve been feeling uncomfortable about the kind of pornography you use, and it’s affecting how I feel about our intimacy. I want us to feel connected and aligned, especially as we guide our son through his own understanding of sexuality."
Speaking to your 13 year old.
It’s understandable that parents and children may feel equally awkward about having the porn talk. It's Time We Talked has a wealth of terrific resources to support you through this process. We’ve adapted some pointers below, and strongly encourage you to dive into the full guides online.
Create a private, non-pressured opportunity to talk. Think about what you want to say beforehand, and consider using a car trip together to strike up the conversation.
Link the porn talk to your child’s use of technology. Considering you’re the ‘gate-keeper’ of his access to devices, you could loop pornography into a chat about the internet's risks and benefits, and your expectations around phone or laptop use.
Use a film or pop culture medium as a springboard. If you see unrealistic sex displayed on TV, hear a joke about penis size in a film, or read gendered stereotypes play out in a book, you could use this as an opportunity to discuss where people get these impressions and how porn could be contributing to this.
Remember that both the conversation with your partner and your child should be done in chapters. While you can’t change someone’s mind or behaviors overnight, you can start the conversation today. And by maintaining open lines of communication, remaining empathetic and focusing on the shared goal of raising a considerate human being, you can address this issue thoughtfully. All the best!
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