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SARAH CASPER ANSWERS ​Sarah is a consent educator, the founder of Comprehensive Consent, and the author of The Kids and Consent Curriculum.

Before we jump in, I want to highlight how meaningful the phrasing of your question is. You ask about how you prepare your children rather than how you protect them. Too often, victims and survivors are blamed for not protecting themselves (or for not having parents, friends, or partners protect them). But a failure of protection isn’t the cause of sexual violence. Sexual violence is the result of patriarchy, transphobia, racism, ableism, our general culture of entitlement, and ultimately, the actions of the person perpetrating harm. Especially when our children are young, protection is part of the equation, but a preparedness mentality is what our children really need. Similar to how we can prepare our children for the reality of natural disasters, we can prepare our children for the reality of mistreatment, violence and abuse.

We do not have control over how the world interacts with them, but we do have control over (1) the conversations we have, (2) the skills we help them build, and (3) the crisis management systems put in place. So, let’s dive into those.

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The conversations we have

It sounds like you’re already having open conversations with your daughters about dating, love, and sex. Props to you! It’s not always easy to address these topics with our kids and it can feel even more challenging if a parent never had comprehensive sex education growing up. This is where I’d encourage you and other parents to take a deep breath and focus first on how you’re having the conversation.

Your parent-child relationship is your child's first intimate relationship. Whether kids realize it or not, your interactions with them are shaping their relational scripts. Modeling is the most powerful parenting tool we have. When parents demonstrate respect, responsiveness, honesty, and curiosity toward their kids, their kids learn that this is how relationships should be. They’ll expect healthy patterns of relating because that’s what they’re used to. Meanwhile, when parents have a controlling, rigid, mistrusting, and/or shaming relationship with their kids, their kids learn that this is what normal relationships are supposed to look like. Therefore, they’re less likely to see relationship red flags for what they are.

Discussions with kids about dating should include topics like safe sex, media literacy, power dynamics, and signs of healthy/unhealthy relating. Find resources with information that’s inclusive, scientifically-accurate, and developmentally-appropriate. (Many dating apps themselves have created safety guides for online dating). Most importantly, take care to consider how you’re having the conversation. Consider these shifts in language for less shame, more curiosity, more honesty, and more connection:

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"You can’t meet a stranger off the internet!”​
​Becomes...​
​“If you’re going to meet someone online for the first time, it’s always good to do so in a public place. Why don’t you suggest to meet at a cafe or a restaurant?”

“Don’t go back to someone’s apartment without texting me your location.”​
​Becomes...​
​“I want you to be safe and, at least for now, I’d like for someone to know where you are. It doesn’t have to be me, it can be your best friend. What do you think about this?”

“Just do it because I said so…”​
​Becomes...​
​“Did you have a different idea? I want to hear what’s on your mind.”

“Most people who let men forgo condom use get pregnant.”​
​Becomes...​
​“Should we visit the doctor together to have a conversation about contraceptive options? Or would you like me to book you an appointment for you to go alone?”

“You’ll get an STI if you have casual sex.”​
​Becomes...​
​“I’m not up to date on current sexual health statistics. Let’s find a trusted resource to get more information and so you feel prepared to date safely.”

“You’re being too nice. You have to be more assertive.”​
​Becomes...​
​“What does saying no feel like for you?”

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The skills we help them build

As important as conversations about sex, love, and dating are, we can’t talk people into behavior shifts. I often use the analogy of dribbling a basketball. Reading all about dribbling, watching every professional basketball game, and talking to the sport’s best coaches will give you a lot of information on how to dribble well. But if you want to actually be able to skillfully dribble a basketball, you have to pick up a basketball and give it a try.

The science on skill-building is clear. Repetitive, sequenced, and scaffolded practice with reflection and feedback is how we get better at anything, including social-emotional skills. For parents who fear that their kids will struggle to name what they want, say no, or accept a no with grace, I recommend finding playful ways to give your kids practice in these skills and experiment with how saying no and hearing no feels in the body. Take turns asking for a hug or access to the other’s bedroom, with the expectation that you’ll be met with a no. Try a round where you are more direct or less direct. Experiment with guilting the other person after they say no. Try a round where you go right for the hug or right into the room without asking. I recommend you and your daughters take turns in each role so that the activity is reciprocal and gives you a chance to model what it's like to notice feelings in the body.

Both you and your child can consider these questions:

• What do you notice in your body?
• How does it feel to ask? To say no? To hear a no? To respond to the no?
• How is saying no to a friend or partner different from saying no to a parent/child?
• What factors might make it easier/harder to say no to someone in a given situation?

You can also give your child practice in refusal skills by double-checking when they say yes. When they say that it’s fine if you cancel your movie night with them that you’ve been looking forward to together, gently encourage them to pause and share more about how they’re feeling. Give space for them to hold seemingly contradictory emotions simultaneously. It’s okay for them to be upset about the last-minute change in plans, but happy that they’ll get to spend more time with their friends now that they’re moving into adulthood. All of their feelings deserve their space.

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The systems we put in place

Lastly, create a preparedness plan with your daughters. Help them understand that perpetration happens because of cultures of entitlement and the actions of others, not because they were “asking for it,” “leading them on,” or “being a tease.” Victim blaming is prevalent and one of the most significant ways you can help your daughters is by giving them the confidence and support of knowing that others’ actions against them are not their fault, and that if she is ever made to feel uncomfortable, she can come to you for help and guidance.

Talk through scenarios. Speak with your daughters about what they might do if they’re on a date – or talking to someone online – and they’re sharing unsolicited photos, ignoring their no’s, being disrespectful, or acting with any sort of entitlement to them or their bodies. Blocking a dating app “match,” cutting a date short, saying no, and asking for help when you need it are all dating preparedness skills. Get curious about their instincts. You might offer a scenario and ask what she might do in that situation. Tell them what you like about their plan and how you might make a different choice (rather than how they should make different choices). Let them present a scenario to you. Tell them how you would handle it and ask them what they might do differently.

Remind your daughters that even if something doesn’t meet an app’s criteria for “inappropriate behavior” or the law’s criteria for sexual misconduct, it doesn’t mean that what happened was okay. Remind your daughters that you are here for them. While there are old stereotypes about the kinds of people who use dating apps, they’re widespread enough and varied enough that they can be genuinely wonderful tools to help people connect, find community, and find partnerships of all kinds. Take a deep breath and continue to give the care and support to them that you always have.

You got this.

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