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My oldest nephew is six and recently said something really inappropriate and sexual while I was looking after him. It was quite derogatory towards women, and when I asked where he heard it, he said another boy at school had said it to him. I was pretty shocked.
My sister reported it to the school, and to their credit, they took it seriously — the other boy’s parents were contacted and he’s been spoken to. My sister feels a bit more reassured now, but I’m still feeling anxious about what the boys might be exposed to, especially online or from other kids. I watched Adolescence last week, and it really hit home how early all this starts.
As a family, we’re trying to raise respectful boys who understand consent, boundaries, and treating people with respect. My sister doesn’t want to make them feel ashamed or like they’re “bad,” but she also knows how important it is to talk about these things early.
We’re just trying to figure out how to strike that balance and give them the best possible foundation. Would really appreciate any guidance you have!
- Woman, 28
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SARAH CASPER ANSWERS
Sarah is a consent educator, the founder of Comprehensive Consent, and the author of The Kids and Consent Curriculum.
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My mom raised five children. Four boys and then me – the youngest and the only girl. To this day, I hear comments like, “Wow, four boys? How did your mom do it?” and “Oh my god, she must have been so relieved to finally have you.” This orientation towards boys is what writer Ruth Whippman details in her recent book, “BoyMom.” She describes the way that we, adults in this world, can hinder boys’ development by assuming that their biology is fixed – that “boys will be boys.” While not always consciously, we often reinforce this cultural narrative.
Without even noticing, we influence caregivers’ sense of how much of an impact they can have in the development of young boys. Meanwhile, we absolutely can influence the trajectory of boys’ social-emotional capacity. In a New York Times article, Lise Eliot, a professor of neuroscience at Rosalind Franklin University and the author of “Pink Brain, Blue Brain,” comments, “brain sex differences aren’t as strong as we make them out to be.”
How do we help boys grow into respectful men? Keep doing what you’re doing, Auntie.
Talking about sex can be challenging. When a child says something sexual or asks a question about sex, I often see caregivers either abandon the comment or respond with total abandon. They either warn the child, “that’s inappropriate,” and change topics, or they over-share intimate details about sex and sexuality that the child was neither interested in nor prepared for. These responses come from both a desire to care for the child and a fear of doing wrong by them. The caretaker who avoids the question is trying to protect the child from ideas and information that won’t make sense to them. But that same avoidance is also driven by a fear of uncomfortable conversations. The caretaker who goes full-on when the child asks a simple yes or no question is trying to equip the child with all the information they might need. But that same eagerness is also driven by a fear of the child making their own mistakes.
When a child shares a comment that’s sexual in nature, when you find a porn website in their browser history, or when you overhear them making a misogynist comment, instead of taking the path of avoidance or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, the path of overeagerness, continue to do as you did and lead with curiosity. You might gently say, “I’ve never heard you say that before,” “what do you think that means?” or, “what do you know about that?”
Make space to gather more information. Not only does this approach give you more insight into what would be a situationally appropriate and developmentally appropriate response, but it also allows the child to see you take a beat and respond with curiosity. If we want our boys to be curious about their partners' and friends’ emotions, interests, wants, and boundaries, we must model these behaviors. Show kids how to ask information-gathering questions. Help them see what being an active listener looks like.
Your sister is on to something in her fears about making her sons feel guilty or like they are a threat. We know that overwhelmingly, men are the perpetrators of sexual violence.
Boys are aware of their role as initiators of sex in the heterosexual cultural narrative; establishing consent is a duty that comes along with that role. Meanwhile, much mainstream consent education doesn’t leave room for “grey areas” of consent. Standalone slogans like “Yes means yes,” “Ask first, ask always,” and “Without consent, it’s not sex—it’s assault” are commonplace. In many cases, young people are also learning (as they should) that because of power dynamics, people might say yes when they don’t really mean yes.
We implicitly and explicitly teach boys that the stakes are high, the responsibility falls entirely on them, and that even though “yes means yes,” sometimes, it doesn’t. This is a lot for young boys to take on, especially when their social-emotional development is often under-attended to and they don’t–according to research–feel like they have the tools to navigate their relationships in healthy ways.
When we detach ourselves from that “boys will be boys” mentality and add nuance and egalitarianism into the mix, we can better prepare our boys for what lies ahead without inducing fear, guilt, or shame. Use books, TV, and other media as jumping off points for conversations about emotional vulnerability, identity, and navigating differences. Encourage them to notice their body feelings. Help develop their language to describe what their body looks and feels like when they’re excited, sad, nervous, angry, etc. Practice perspective-taking and empathy. Ask, “How might that person be feeling right now? How do you know?”
When we believe our boys have the capacity for relational and emotional nuance, and when we treat them as such, they can become the young men we know they can be.
