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Step 1: Believe them, and let them know that you do.

Survivors want to know they are believed and have people in their corner. Experiencing sexual violence is an isolating experience. People who use violence often deliberately isolate us to gain access to us. We are hurt individually and in isolation, but we heal in our connections with others and our community. Show us you are with us by telling us that you are.   

Listen to them.

Let survivors talk at their own pace, and know they might never be ready to disclose everything that happened. Do not interrupt or ask invasive questions — the details of what happened do not make survivors more or less deserving of your support. Show them they have your full attention by putting your phone away and using open body language. Your job is to hold space, not investigate.

What to say in the moment when someone discloses:

Having someone close to you disclose their experience can feel difficult and confronting, and that's perfectly normal. Most of the time, people don't know what to say or are terrified of saying the wrong thing. Here are a few things that go a long way:

• "Thank you for trusting me. I believe you."
• "This wasn't your fault and you did nothing to deserve this."
• "Take your time. I'm here."

Asking victim-survivors “How can I help?” or “How can I best support you?” lets them take the lead but also tells them you are there and willing to help. Affirm that they can take their time, and that you’ll support whatever action they’ll take (if any). It's important to make sure people don’t feel rushed or feel like they’ll still be supported if they change their mind.

Finally, remind them that what happened is not their fault, they aren’t alone, and they don’t have to navigate all of this by themselves.

Do your own research.

It's important to remember that violence — and someone's response to that violence — doesn't have to look a specific way to be valid. There are many places you can learn more about the experiences of survivors, and how to best be mindful and supportive. However, it is important to question who is delivering these messages, too — ensure the podcast, post or article is coming from a trusted source, and, where possible, consume media created by victim-survivors. This uplifts, platforms and supports survivors' voices. A great example is that every post on The Survivor Hub’s Instagram is written by victim-survivors.

Respect their boundaries.

Create a safe space by listening carefully and being attentive. The survivor has trusted you by sharing their story, so don't share it with anyone else unless you have a duty of care. If you must share, let the survivor know you'll be doing so first. You risk losing trust if you share without their consent. Trust is extremely important to survivors after an assault because they have had their autonomy denied and having that happen again, even if it's not intended, can be very harmful.

Help them get support.

Support looks different for every survivor, so start by asking, "How can I support you?" Remember that they know best what they need. Your job is to follow their lead and provide the type of support they actually want, not what you think they need. You can draw their attention to free support services with trained professionals, but in the end, you can't force them to seek support. Confidential 24/7 support is available in the USA through RAINN, the UK through Rape Crisis, and in Australia through 1800RESPECT.

Continue checking in with them.

Your support role doesn't end here. Don't be afraid to message survivors after they disclose to you — they want to know that you are thinking of them and care about how they are. Sometimes survivors will find it difficult to reply and accept your support. Understand this, and stick around for when they are ready to accept support.

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Schedule quality time.

Some survivors can isolate themselves in times of mental and emotional distress. Avoiding messages, phone calls, appointments and cancelling plans are key indicators of isolating behaviour. Spending time with others can help a survivor get out of their head, to regulate their emotions and manage their triggers. Spending time with a survivor can look like many things, but it's important to be mindful of the environment. Going to places that may further trigger a survivor is a no go. Some ways to spend time together can include lounging around at home, watching a movie, cooking dinner together, going for a walk and getting fresh air, having a picnic, op shopping or more. 

Tell them to take the day off.

Survivors can feel a lot of guilt for needing time out to process things, so encouraging time out is crucial. We all need a person to remind us to look after ourselves.  Encouraging survivors who may be triggered to take time away from work, study and sports and dedicate time to looking after themselves also validates how they are feeling.  

Perform some acts of service.

In some instances, a survivor may be in a deep state of stress and may engage in self-harming behaviour. These can look like many things, from substance abuse, disordered eating, difficulty sleeping, isolation, not showering, or not doing their laundry, to hypersexuality. It's important to have a safe and non-judgemental space to check in and ask questions about any of these behaviours and to identify ways you can support a survivor in building back their emotional and mental resilience, and physical health.

It might look like cooking or buying them a meal, reminding them to shower, cleaning and doing their laundry, encouraging them to get some exercise or building a sleep routine. In these times, it's really important to talk to them about seeking further support, whether from a doctor or psychologist. And when these appointments come around, you can help by being a support person or providing a lift. 

Seek support for yourself if you need it.

Try not to burden the survivor by making them feel responsible for your emotions. Many survivors say they didn't tell anyone, especially their parents, because they were scared of causing more upset. Sexual violence is incredibly tough to hear about, but you're not alone. There's plenty of support out there for you, too.

Finally, remember you can't "fix" it.

It's never nice to see someone you love or care about feeling down and hurt. It's uncomfortable and might bring on the desire to do whatever you can to get them 'back to normal'. You can't push someone to feel better; it's all a process. It's important to meet that person where they're at. If you made plans and they've cancelled, it isn't personal. If they're rejecting plans to hang out at social events, it isn't personal. If you're not sure how to support them or show up, just ask. And if you're feeling frustrated that they're in that space, that's ok.

But remember, your role is not to fix it for them, it is to support them through it.

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