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I’ve been seeing this guy since the start of the year and I’m so into him. He was amazing when we first went out, he bought me dinner and flowers, was super complimentary of me and dropped me home. I then didn’t hear from him for a whole week, before he messaged suggesting we hang out, so I stayed over at his house that night. I didn’t hear from him for another week after that then he sent me all these intense messages about how much he’s into me etc. Those messages went on for a few days and then I didn’t hear from him again for another week.
It’s been almost four months of this cycle, where he acts all obsessed sporadically (I’ve met his parents, his friends, and spent Valentine’s with him) and then he withdraws for a while until he sees my IG stories when I'm out and then gets weirdly annoyed and messages. I also don’t know if he wants a relationship because he says he’s still really hurt from his last one and doesn’t want to jump into anything too soon. I’m just a bit confused and wanting to know if this is just a normal part of getting into a relationship because it’s not the first time it’s happened to me.
- Woman, 21
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GEMMA KATSALIDIS ANSWERS
Gemma is a public policy expert and relationship advice superstar based in New York.
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Thank you for reaching out with such an important and relatable question. What you’re describing is something I hear often— both in personal conversations and in broader commentary about the state of dating in 2025. Sadly, I do feel that this kind of on-again, off-again attention has become normalized, especially in the age of situationships where clear communication and respect are rarely present.
When I was younger, my friends and I thought this kind of inconsistency was just a natural part of dating. We accepted it as normal, even though it often left us confused, anxiously looking at our phones waiting for a text message to pop up and constantly questioning our worth. But the truth is, just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s healthy or acceptable.
From what you’ve described, it sounds like what could be happening here is a form of love bombing. I know that term gets thrown around pretty liberally these days, but it's important to understand the seriousness of what it actually means.
Love bombing isn’t just intense affection–it’s actually a form of manipulation. It often starts with overwhelming displays of interest, charm and connection (like the flowers, dinners and thoughtful gestures you mentioned), but then becomes erratic, distant and confusing.
What’s more, this pattern–especially when repeated–isn’t just emotionally immature. It can be an early sign of coercive control. Coercive control is a strategic pattern of behaviour used to dominate, confuse, and disempower.
The emotional whiplash of being intensely pursued one day and then ignored the next can leave you constantly seeking validation, wondering what you did wrong, and craving the next "high" of attention. That craving isn’t a reflection of any weakness–it’s a conditioned response to manipulation.
Now, is it possible that he’s genuinely struggling with emotional regulation or still healing from past heartbreak? Yes, absolutely. Emotional wounds can make people act in inconsistent ways—very often without intentionally meaning to cause harm or disrespect. However, even if that’s the case here, it doesn’t excuse behavior that leaves you feeling anxious, uncertain, or unsafe.
You still have the right to expect respectful, clear, and consistent communication. That is not a high bar–it’s the baseline.
I completely understand that when you like someone, it’s very easy and common to justify or rationalize why their behavior doesn’t align with your needs or expectations. But someone who truly wants to build a relationship with you will show up. They’ll communicate clearly. They’ll be honest about where they stand. And—critically—they won’t leave you feeling like your emotional security is constantly hanging in the balance. A healthy relationship isn’t built on intense highs and confusing silences. It’s built on mutual respect, trust, and emotional safety.
You also mentioned that similar things have happened with other guys before. I want to say this as clearly as I can: that is not your fault, or something you as an individual naturally attract. But what might be worth reflecting on is how you’ve come to understand and internalize “normal” dating behavior.
As for moving forward, my first and most important advice is to trust your gut. If you’re left feeling confused for any reason in a relationship, you have to listen to that feeling and acknowledge it. Your inner voice is always worth listening to.
Secondly, get clear on your needs–with yourself first, and then with the person you’re dating. If you value consistency, respect, honesty and emotional availability, you deserve someone who can meet you there. If he can’t–or won’t–that’s not just disappointing, it’s telling.
Finally, while we shouldn’t rush to diagnose anyone, love bombing followed by withdrawal is often linked to deeper issues like insecure attachment. That doesn’t make someone “all bad,” but it can definitely make them unable—or unwilling—to give you the kind of relationship you deserve.
You are not asking for too much by wanting clarity, consistency, and care. Those aren’t high standards—they’re the bare minimum. You, and all of us, deserve far more than just the bare minimum.
